It has been hard to think back to my pregnancy with the boys. It is sort of like looking directly at the sun. The whole event is surrounded by feelings so intense that examining them is blinding and disorienting at times. I was overjoyed to discover that I was pregnant after our first attempt at IVF. I had begun to lose hope of having more children, but I felt certain that those days were behind us. I saw our problems as difficulties in getting pregnant, not difficulties carrying pregnancies. Even after I found out that we were carrying triplets, I was still certain that everything was going to be okay. I was concerned about all three babies making it through the first trimester, but each scan showed that all three were doing well. I breathed a sigh of relief as the end of the trimester approached with no problems. It was not to last of course. The next eight weeks became a blur of medical tests and bad news. I made four trips to the hospital here in town and four trips to Cincinnati to be evaluated there. Even through all this, I clung to the idea that we might be able to make it through. I knew the realities of twin-to-twin, and I knew the risks after my water broke. But, their births were still a shock.
I have tried in these two years to move forward with my life while still holding to the memory of Nathaniel, Kade, and Roanin. I am trying to allow the Lord to mold me through my grief. I am learning to be content in the moment. I am learning to see the time with my children as precious even if it comes at two in the morning. it is an imperfect process. Sometimes I feel as if I am dishonoring their memory when I fall back on old habits.
My pastor had a brief memorial for my boys in church after they were born. In it, he compared the boys to Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego. At the time, I didn't look too closely at the comparison. A few months ago though, Gabriel was reading through Daniel for his quiet time. I came across their response to the king. It has stuck with me as a fitting response for myself. They were perfectly aware that God could save them if it was His will just as I knew He could have saved my boys, but they told the king that even if He chose not to, they would continue to serve Him. I chose to serve Him even though He did not save my boys because the truth is He has already saved them. It was not in the way that I wanted or hoped for, but it was in the only way that really matters.
Happy birthday my boys for I am sure that there is no better place to celebrate than in the presence of the King.